Dystopia
by br0flove
Summary: He can't tell her the truth, because she'll hate him, she'll live her life knowing that the only reason the world is continuing in this dystopia is because of him, because he was too selfish to let her go, because he couldn't. Losing her was never the choice. Ellie/Joel if you squint.


**WARNING: Spoilers ahead for The Last Of Us, if you haven't played it already - which I'm sure you have, or you wouldn't be here. This can be perceived as Joel/Ellie but can also be seen as father/daughter, depends how hard you squint, I suppose?**

* * *

><p>He gets them back to Tommy's in one piece, Ellie's survivor's guilt causing tension in their conversations, and Joel's hidden lie causing complete lack of conversation altogether. What can he say? He can't tell her the truth, because she'll hate him, she'll live her life knowing that the only reason the world is continuing in this dystopia is because of him, because he was too selfish to let her go, because he <em>couldn't<em>.

So when the gate opens and Tommy smiles down at them, rifle dropping back to his side as he orders the gates open, Joel keeps his eyes on Ellie and she keeps hers on the ground.

"Welcome back, brother," Tommy beams, opening his arms in welcome to Joel. Joel tentatively moves into them, patting his brother on the back and pulling away with a tense smile. Ellie stays quiet, sending only a nod to Maria as she comes out and leads her away.

"You hungry, Ellie?" Another nod.

Tommy looks back at Joel, smile falling as soon as Ellie is out of hearing distance. "What happened? The girl, I thought-"

"I couldn't do it."

"What d'you mean you couldn't do it?"

Joel drops his head and heaves a sigh, rubbing his hand along his beard. "I got her there," he sighs, meeting Tommy's gaze and dropping his hand to his side. "They took her away from me, I didn't even get to see her and Marlene, she told me there was no chance Ellie would'a lived through it. I couldn't let her die, Tommy."

"That ain't your call to make."

"Don't you think I know that?" Joel hisses, his hand tightening into a fist at his side. Tommy raises a hand in a motion of surrender to calm Joel down and shakes his head.

"She knows?"

It's Joel's turn to shake his head now. "I told her they gave up, they ain't tryin' anymore and she ain't no use to 'em." Tommy's mouth drops and Joel continues. "She would'a _died_, Tommy."

"How did you get out of there alive? Marlene didn't stop you?"

"She tried."

Tommy blinks, his hand raising to his cheek, rubbing against the rough skin there. "She tried?" He repeats and Joel nods. "Then what? She just let you go with the cure for all this shit?" Joel shakes his head again and Tommy drops his hand from his face. "What did you _do_, Joel? This ain't about you! This is about the world. That girl-"

"That _girl_ is fourteen years old, god damnit, do you think she had a clue that she would'a _died_ in there?"

Tommy shakes his head in disbelief.

"I know what I did, Tommy, I know what I did and don't you think that I'm strugglin' with that? I let her go, I let her _down_. Shit. I couldn't just let her die."

"She's not Sarah, Joel."

"I know she ain't-"

"What happened to her bein' a dropoff, huh? What if Tess were still alive?"

Joel's eyes snap up, his gaze hard, his jaw tensed. "Don't bring her into this, Tommy."

"Why not, Joel? This was her job, not yours. This – _shit_, this was the fucking _cure_ to end all of this." Tommy waves his arms around, gesturing to the barricaded town around them. "You know what's out there more than anyone I know, and you still took her away, you brought her back into it. She wanted to do it. She knew what she was doing, and you fucked it up."

Joel says nothing. Tommy places his hands over his eyes, shaking his head and laughing, a bitter laugh that sends a shudder through Joel. "You gotta tell her."

"I can't," Joel admits, watching as Tommy removes his hands and steps towards him, anger in his eyes.

"You tell her, or I will."

Joel looks over his brother's shoulder to see Ellie and Maria coming toward them, Ellie eating something wrapped up and Maria smiling at her. Tommy turns, noticing his brother's distracted gaze, and backs up away from him, turning to his wife and Ellie.

"What you got there, Ellie?" Joel asks, stepping toward the girl.

"Chicken," she says, her voice soft. She looks at Joel, but not in the eye. "Maria gave it to me, it's freshly cooked."

Joel nods and sends a curt nod over to Maria for thanks.

"Come on," Tommy starts, his voice gentle and aimed at Ellie. "Let's get you both settled in, you can stay with us for a while 'til you get yourselves sorted."

* * *

><p>"It's nice, huh?"<p>

Ellie hums from her spot on the bed, wiping her hands against her jeans.

"Everythin' alright, baby girl?"

Ellie looks up at Joel, twisting her fingers in her lap – and for the first time since she told him to swear – she looks him dead in the eyes, no trace of emotion, just a blank stare. Joel stares back at her, unwilling to drop that gaze before she does, just to show he has nothing to hide, when he knows that he's showing everything.

"Why did they stop looking?"

"Ellie I told you-"

"Then tell me again," she whispers, dropping her gaze back into her lap, staring at her fingers, her bottom lip between her teeth. She lets it go and sighs. "Why would Marlene send us all the way there knowing they'd given up? And why didn't she come back with us? Why did-"

"Ellie."

She stops, keeping her eyes locked on her hands. Joel sighs and steps forward, kneeling in front of her and pressing his larger hands on top of hers, pausing her fidgeting. "Listen, I-" He stops, because what can he say?

She's looking at him, her eyes shining and her cheeks red and Joel swears that she's going to cry. "I feel like I let everyone down," she admits. "I let you down, I let Tess down, I let Sam and Henry down," her voice is starting to shake now and Joel squeezes their hands together. She hiccups.

"None of this is your fault."

"Isn't it?" She asks, blinking back the burning sensation in her eyes as she pulls her hands out of his. "Then why am I _here_, Joel? I should be with Marlene and the Fireflies, I should be working to stop all of this." She holds her face in her hands and lets out a strangled sob.

"It isn't your fault," he says again, clearing his throat and standing up. Ellie pulls her face out of her hands and looks at his back as he turns away from her, she stands, too, and immediately regrets it as he begins to talk. "It's mine. I – shit, it ain't your fault, baby girl."

She takes a step, wiping a tear with the palm of her hand. "What are you talking about?"

"The Fireflies took us to the hospital, I woke up in a separate room and when I woke up Marlene told me they were preppin' you for the surgery."

"Surgery – but you said–"

He cuts her off. "Marlene – _shit _– Marlene told me the chances of survival if you went through with it were nothin'. You wouldn't have woken up, you would'a died. The infection is running in your brain, your spinal cord, you have to kill the host to kill the infection. They would'a removed the infected part of your brain, and that would'a killed you and she seemed fine with it. She seemed fine with killin' you because it was all for the greater good of the world, and she's right, it was, but I couldn't –"

Ellie sits back down, her hand over her mouth. Joel stays with his back toward her, his eyes clenched shut as he continues. "I couldn't let them kill you. Not for the cure, not for nothin'. So, no, Ellie, it ain't your fault. Alright? It's mine. I took you out of there, I got you out of that bed and I took you away." He turns then, trying to meet her eyes but she's staring at the corner of the ceiling in disbelief, her eyes watering. "Ellie, I'm sorry."

"You knew," she whispers, bringing her hand away from her face and squaring up to the older man with rage. "You _knew_ and I – I asked you to swear and you lied to me, Joel! You _lied_!"

"I know."

"Why did you lie to me? Why didn't you tell me? What about Marlene –"

"She would'a just come after us, Ellie. She knew, she didn't wanna do this, either, but she made the choice to have you killed – and that should'a been your decision –"

"How am I going to make that decision now you've taken it all away, Joel? I can't say to Marlene that I want to and now I can't say that I can't because there is _nothing_ now. There's no one to do the procedure and get it out, and – oh my God."

She steps back and sits back on the bed, cradling her head in her hands as she sobs into them and Joel blinks down at her, a tight pain in his chest as he watches her fall apart due to his mistake. "She told me, 'maybe it was meant to be', that she lost everyone and everythin' but somehow we made it together, we made it there and we can make it now." He kneels down again, scooting closer to her hand pulling her hands away, even as she struggles. He pulls her into him. "I know what I did, I know I saved you and I know that I fucked up the world because I was too selfish to let you die, but, Ellie, you gotta know the weight of that choice."

Ellie stops struggling against Joel's embrace and presses her hands against his chest, her cheek falling against his shirt as she listens.

"Remember when Henry and Sam left us, and you jumped back off that truck and you said 'we stick together', you remember that?" She nods. "That's what this was. Losin' you ain't a choice. We stick together, Ellie. It's you an' me."

"But –"

He hushes her, brushing his palm against the crown of her head, petting her hair in soothing motions. "I'm sorry, Ellie. I'm sorry I took that choice away from you, but you can't be the only one, there's gotta be more like you – and they'll find 'em. I know I fucked this all up for you, but I ain't losin' you, too."

"I didn't want to die," she admits quietly, clutching Joel's shirt. He moves his arms around her waist and presses his cheek against her hair. "When I got bit, I didn't want to die, I wasn't ready and I never came to peace with it but –" she stops, letting go of Joel's shirt with one hand to wipe at her cheek. "Do you know what Riley said to me?"

Joel shakes his head.

"There are a million ways we could've died today, and a million ways we could die before tomorrow. But we fight for every second we get to spend with each other, whether it's two minutes or two days. We don't give that up."

"Ellie –"

She looks up at him then, her eyes still fresh with tears. "I'm not ready to die, Joel, but I'm not ready to let this go either. I wanted to be the person to save the world, y'know? To get back _life_ and to witness what an ice-cream truck did, and to eat _real_ food, and to play _real_ video games. I didn't know I was going to die, but I knew there was a chance I wouldn't enjoy all of that, and – and I feel horrible because I'm happy that I'm alive when I shouldn't be."

"Ellie, that ain't true, you shouldn't say stuff like that –"

"It is true, Joel! I should've died when I got bit, but I didn't. I should've died a hell of a lot of times that I ran with you, but I didn't. I should've died the other day, but I didn't, but that's different because I should've died for a cause, for the world. I just wanted a life, Joel. I don't want to keep running. I'm _scared_. Tess, Henry, Sam – it shouldn't have been them."

"It sure as hell wasn't gonna be you, either."

"But it was supposed to be."

A knock at the door pulls them apart and Ellie turns away, frantically wiping at her eyes as Joel turns toward the door, his body shielding her from the intruder. "Guys," Maria's voice pipes in, her face appearing through the slightly opened door. A smile is playing on her lips. "There's movie night in an hour, are you joining us?"

Joel looks over his shoulder at Ellie who nods her head at him, he turns back to Maria with a slight smile. "We'll be there," he drawls and Maria grins as she shuts the door, calling the time and the place.

Joel turns around again as soon as he hears Maria's footsteps going down the stairs and he grabs Ellie, pulling her back into him in a tight embrace, his lips pressed against her forehead. "You keep findin' somethin' to fight for," he promises her. She clutches her arms around him, holding his shirt in tight fists.

"I hate you," she admits, quiet and unsure before she pulls back a little and looks at him. "I hate you, but I understand." She wipes her eyes with the back of her arm and stays close to Joel, blinking up at him. "Maybe one day they'll find another way," she says.

Joel takes a hold of her arms and kneels in front of her. "One day," he promises, pressing a kiss to her head. "I'm sorry, baby girl."

She nods and smiles, it's weak but it's enough to keep him happy. "I know," she replies, bringing her hand to cup Joel's cheek. She nods again and closes her eyes for a second, breathing in and exhaling loudly. "I forgive you."

She re-opens her eyes and stares back at him, taking in all the pain and guilt he's offering her.

"It's okay, Joel."

He smiles as she presses a gentle kiss on his bearded chin.

"Let's go watch that movie," he says, standing and taking her tiny hand in his. Ellie nods and looks up at him with a small smile.

"Yeah."

"Endure and survive, baby girl."

She laughs. "One day."

* * *

><p><strong>Ah, this is what I kind of want the outcome to be whenif Joel admits to Ellie that he lied. Please tell me what you think!  
><strong>


End file.
